Full Disclosure

8/14: Wow, it’s been a minute, huh?  I am still holding at around 131-135.  I have been exercising a LOT more.  I plan to make a page for my exercise–keep me accountable.

Update (6/11): Well, I am holding steady at 132-ish.  I’ve been sick for TWO WEEKS.  Went to the doctor. He told me to gargle.  Seriously? Yesterday my temp was at 101.  My normal, everyday temp is 96 so, do the math.  I am extending my goal date from June 30 to July 31.  I have been unable to really exercise for three weeks (broken toe and this damn cold).

Update (5/29): No update for a while because, well, no movement to speak of.  I have bounced around the same weight for weeks.  Today, however, I am at 132.6.  Yay, me.

Update (5/1):  I kinda forgot to update.  It hasn’t been all that hot for the last month anyway.  As of today, my weight stands at 135.  That’s a loss, but it’s so damn slow that it is killing me!  I won’t make my June 30 goal of 120 at this rate.

Update (4/2): It dawned on me that I didn’t update on Monday. Sheesh. I was at 137 even.  Fat Secret now tells me that it will take TWENTY months to reach my goal.

Update (3/21):  Weighed 137.2 today.  According to Fat Secret, it will take me 11 months to get to my goal.  That’s encouraging <sarcasm>.

Update (3/14):  Weighed 137.6 on Monday (weigh-in day).  That’s almost a pound.  I know, I still need to get my measurements posted.  I am moving in the right direction!

Update (3/7):  Weighed in at 138.4 this morning.  That’s down a pound.  Whoo-hoo!  Soon I’ll get my measurements up.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am on yet another weight loss journey.   If you are around me for more than five minutes at a time then you know this obsession of mine.  I am trying so hard every day and sometimes I feel as if I’m treading water.  It’s hard and I hate it.  I wish I could eat ice cream and brownies all day.  But I can’t. I wish I didn’t tell everyone at work how many calories I’ve eaten today.  But I do.  I wish I liked to exercise.  But I absolutely DON’T!

In 2001 I started at 208 pounds.  By July of 2003 I was at 124.5.  I stopped journalling my food and I slowly went back up.  Not all the way.  But I ended up back at about 164.  We had a weight loss challenge at work and I lost back down to around 135.   I bounced around there for a while.  Last March (2010) I went to the doctor and saw that, once again, I was at 164.

At the end of December, I got serious.  I log my food; I log my exercise (the woeful little there is); and I log my damn feelings.  I’m sick of it.  This is my life, though.  It is what it is.  Today I weigh 139.  I can’t even believe that I am saying that (so to speak) so that real people who know me can see it.  I’m embarrassed of it.  I don’t want to weigh 139.  I want to weigh 118.  I don’t know if that’s possible.

I plan to post here at least weekly about my hell, I mean journey.  I want to be accountable as well as successful.  I’d like to help someone else along the way.  If anyone is reading this, please let me know if I can help.

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10 Responses to Full Disclosure

  1. Mitchell says:

    Hi, are you a happy person? I mean really happy and not pretending? A lot of times people eat because they are bored or depressed and food brings them momentary comfort. Unfortunately after indulging, we feel even worse.

    If we really want to be healthy we have to have a healthy self-image. We have to love ourselves and accept ourselves and THEN we will take the steps to being in good health. Because we are worth it.

    It has to be for us, not anyone else. If we go to the gym for someone we love it will end badly.

    Start by listing all the real reasons you want to be thin. If it is just vanity and pride you may have trouble succeeding. If you just value yourself as a person, wife, mother, whatever then it will get easier because you know the steps you are taking are worthy because you have WORTH.

    You are precious, aren’t you?

    🙂

    • spykesfaythe says:

      As a matter of fact, I’m not a “happy” person. I’m more of a “glass half-empty” kind of girl. That being said, I don’t sit around and brood all the time. I enjoy my little pleasures, my little hobbies. Having said that, I don’t think being skinny (or more correctly my ideal of skinny) would have made me a quote-unquote happy person. Some people are just melancholy. I like being moody. But I don’t want to be fat AND moody.

  2. Mitchell says:

    Hi, I just think that being unhappy contributes to making poor choices. Like eating too much, not exercising, etc.

    I guess a better question would be: Would you be happier if you weighed less and why?

  3. Starr says:

    If you get down to 118, I’ll have you committed along with Charlie Sheen! That’s what I’M supposed to weigh and I’m like two feet shorter than you! =) I knew you then and I know you know…you always look great!

    • spykesfaythe says:

      Too bad there won’t be a mental hospital north of Atlanta to commit me to!

      I was so close before when I got to 124. I just NEED to get there to see, ya know? Although if my hair starts falling out like it did before, I may need an intervention. I’ve been working hard on eating enough calories and making sure I get more protein this time. If you are crazy enough to want to see what I eat, look me up on Fat Secret. I know there must be an endless fascination out there with every morsel I consume .

  4. Mitchell says:

    Hi, why did your hair fall out? Stress?

  5. spykesfaythe says:

    As a result of a too-low calorie diet. When I started out, I had a bioelectrical impedance test and my doctor suggested I eat 1,000 cals a day. I started out with that, but it soon turned to obsession and for months I ate around 700-800 cals/day. Another factor was my low consumption of protein. I don’t eat red meat or pork nor do I eat cheese or eggs very often. It’s hard for me to get my protein up (still is hard).

    I’m trying really hard to do it right this time. Focusing on a good ratio of carbs/fats/protein while still keeping my cals around 1,200. I’m also incorporating more exercise into my day. It’s a struggle because I’m not “that girl.” I don’t like it.

  6. Mitchell says:

    Ah, I see. I am having a hard time understanding your situation. If you get to your desired weight will you be happy? Are you married and does your spouse like they way you look?

    Did someone tell you that you were fat or ugly when you were young? Your outside condition is a reflection of your inside one.

    Not that you asked for or care about my opinion but I think you should just work on your heart.

    Blessings.

    • spykesfaythe says:

      I don’t know if I will be happy if I get to that “magical” weight, but I know that I have to be a lot happier with me when I get there than I am now and have been.

      As a matter of fact, yes, I did get told I was fat. My uncle and his son (much older than me) would chant “fatty, fatty two-by-four, can’t get through the kitchen door” every time I’d walk in the room. I was constantly tortured in school–name calling, “mooing” at me, tacks in my seat, you name it. My daddy wanted me to lose weight so badly that he put me on every diet he heard of.

      If you’ve never been in that situation, it’s hard to understand how much it can mean. Part of it is getting control of myself–making myself accountable and proving that I can lose the weight and KEEP it off forever.

      My husband is happy with how I look, but he was happy with how I looked at 208, too. The truth of it, though, is that it doesn’t matter what he thinks I look like. I have to live with myself and I have to go with where I’m comfortable–and it isn’t at 208 or even at 138. I hope I know when I get there.

      I do appreciate your comments. Hearing how others perceive my struggle and answering comments/concerns/thoughts is bound to help me!

  7. Mitchell says:

    Hi there, yeah I thought maybe you have heard some painful words.

    The problem with words is that they are like seeds. They get planted (speaking) and take root in the hearts of people when they believe them. Since you were young it was easier to believe your uncle and cousin when they planted those seed.

    Now those seeds have been watered and fed with your own words and self-image. The way to destroy lie living in you is to pluck it out by the root.

    You have to look yourself in the eye (mirror) and tell yourself that you are not fat, you are healthy and you are accepted. You are not fat, you are healthy and you are ACCEPTED.

    Pull out the lie in your heart telling you that you are fat. Then fill that void with healthy, loving seeds (words). It is not easy, but when you begin to get the strength to tell yourself you are not fat and you are accepted you will begin to see the breakthrough you need.

    These roots in your heart is why you have not had the success you want in your weight. Once the inner picture of being overweight is gone. The weight will be gone too. And it will be gone forever.

    This is all internal. You could call it a curse.

    But you have the power to destroy it. Forgive your uncle and cousin, in your heart not just mind. And begin to plant good seeds in your heart. “I love myself and accept myself….”

    You are precious and you aren’t fat. You just need some heart surgery.

    The Lord loves and accepts you and rejoices over you with singing.

    Mitchell

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